Seduce Me

yet stressed out.

here is what has gone wrong in the last few days for me.

 

- my wisdom teeth hurt to the point i have almost thrown up a couple times

- my car is making the most fucked up noise ever. period.

- i am broke.

 

in the past few days, here is what has gone right.

- i got my passport signed by my friend in ottawa!!!!!

- i found the perfect costume for my UNBIRTHDAY PARTY (see below) ((i cannot afford it.. but i put it on hold anyways in hopes i will magically come up with the $79.99 it costs.. ha))

- i picked up some extra shifts at work and will therefor get a slightly larger pay cheque in 2 weeks..

 

anyways, i am trying to be positive and happy. things are shitty, but they could def. be worse.

i really am hungry, and now need to go make lunch.

It is monday night. I worked today. First time I have really done much of anything in the last couple days.

I have been in a down and out kind of mood and have sort of been moping about. I guess i just feel sorry for myself in general lately. I have been trying to be in a better mood but alas, the sound of my roommate and her friends is pissing me off like you wouldnt believe and i want to scream at them to shut up and go home.. its one am.

right now i miss training. I havent been able to train really in a few days. when i say i am ghetto fabulous i mean it in the worst way.

my friends are currently at something called beach slam. i attempted to join them. it was cut very short by my inability to stay standing for a prolonged period of time. i did however stay long enough to win a tshirt. go me.

 

anyways, i am in general really lonely. i miss my best friend. he is so effing far away from me. and iit seems i will never get my passport to go see him.

every other close friend i have made, being all of one, hates me, and wants me to die.

 

its a loose loose. one is 9 million miles away, the other is about 5 miles away, and would shoot on sight.

on the plus side, i lost 2 more lbs. yes.

woke up after a nightmare drenched in sweat and crying uncontrollably?

 

thats me right now.

 

also, i am flat broke as a joke. like not a dime.

and let me tell you, i would do just about anything for $20.. think about it.

lol

a little strange the last couple days to say the least.
i feel like my friends are all walking on egg shells around me due to the recent drama that has gone on. it is pretty shitty as it really doesnt involve them and i dnt think they need to feel like they need to baby me.
one friend does need to watch her step for sure. it takes a lot for me to consider dropping someone as a friend and said person is on the edge of getting a big old fack off.
i know that based on my past actions you wouldnt know it, but to me a friend is someone who tells you the truth, even if it hurts..

note: in ONE situation i am being a major hypocrite. ONE, so if youre thinking that i mistreated another person in my life, you as well can fack off. /end note

anyways, this girl has been hiding things from me that she knew would hurt me and i am borderline furious about it. i kind of ended up snapping a bit and peacing on her today. you just dont do that to your girls. period.

in other news, back to the egg shells comments.

my friend/coworker thought that he would cheer me up based on his recent tax return (i should add that i owe the government money that i am avoiding paying). i ended up getting treated to a pretty awesome day.
we went shopping downtown. didnt buy anything.. just kind of browsed.. then we went to the mall where i got some new shoes (athletes world was going out of business) so i got some sick mens high top phat farm shoes for $30. thanks to my friend/coworker.
then he bought me a protein shake and we retreated to my place to watch ninja turtles II. yes.

aha, my plan to get my passport has failed again.
not only can i not afford it. but the place isnt open on saturdays. i was going to go thursday before work but, we cme back to the pay situation.

as is the story of my life i cannot afford to live, eat, or drive. which all comes back to live.

no wonder im 136 lbs. i dont consume food.

great.

 

edit/ also, this happened at some point.

what i am feeling right now..

about many/a couple people in my life..

Seek me, call me
I’ll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I’ll be waiting
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I’ll be waiting
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I’ll be waiting
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Yesterday I went to get my friend Lacey to hang out. I happened to be at the apartment at the same time a certain girl i used to be friends with was there picking her daughter up from her ex fiance/laceys roommate/the boy i was seeing but not seeing for a while.

this = chaos.

anyways, i guess they were fighting before i came to get lacey and i was just a bit of a catalyst and i also was apparently a good object to vent some rage at because teh two of them proceeded to (in front of their 3 year old daughter) scream and swear and tear me apart in the street.

it was aweful. it was all i could do not to break down and cry.. i just stood there.. in awe.. asking them to lower their voices so that their daughter wouldnt hear them yell and swear..

see how that works? i care enough about that child to protect her from that rage and immaturity. anyways, i think to me the worst part was that i spent some time yesterday before all this happened working on a letter for her explaining what happened and why i lied and why i deceived her.

i cant give it to her now.. which sucks as the whole thing took me a couple hours and i put a lot of thought and emotion into it..

i kind of lost my mind after everytihng went down. i didnt know what to do or how to handle all of it.
i still dont know what to do.

anyways, i spent this afternoon with one of my coworkers/friends and he took me for lunch at a place her called aunt lucys.. i think i might potentially have a heart attack from the grease level. i rarely eat, let alone eat a meal that contains that much fat.
we then sat around and decided that i deserve a second birthday party for all the shit that has gone on so we are throwing me “a very merry unbirthday” party.

yup.

ok i am going to relax. i have had way too much shit happen in 24 hours. i am waiting for the rest.

any moments of insanity i have had in my life.

i need to take alecs advice and get over it. and stay the hell away from those maniacs.

holy fuck.

so i dont drink, anymore, but i do enjoy patios where i sip water while my friends pig out and get wasted.

i enjoy being the DD as i can usually con my drunk friends to give me lots of gas money. awesome.

its the joys of living in poverty, middle class is not what it used to be and i am def. more lower class. poverty. straight up.

my roommate let me know that i owe her an assload of money for groceries.. that i didnt get a say in. i eat chicken, and eggs, and yougurt. i will gladly pitch for those, when i have more than 30 cents in my bank account. which happens, uhm, never. ha.

i got out to picton beach for the first time ever sunday and monday. i was able to do this by being the taxi for a friend and her friends. its shitty feeling used. but, it is amazing feeling the sun on my skin. its a fair trade off. for real.

 

i saw the strangers tonight, straight up fucked. i dont know if i believe it was based on true events.. it def gave me the heeby jeebies and my friend hid her eyes in her husbands shoulder for 90% of the film. im afraid to goto sleep now.

 

in other news, i find myself thinking about a friend i lost everyday, and its borderline driving me mad. i made the choices i made, i know that, but i still miss her. i think about talking to her everyday, and dream about it more often. its sad. and it infects my life with guilt and shame and regret. even worse, it makes me lonely around my other friends because her and i were so much alike that none of them can touch it.

there are no good girls in kingston for me to be friends with.

and the one that was perfect, i completely betrayed and hurt.

i feel like i deserve another chance.. but i was the wrong doer and i think that the criminal always feels like they deserve a second chance, even when they have just slaughtered an entire family in cold blood…

but if psychopaths can be rehabilitated, why cant i?

if karla holmoka can be released to live a normal life, why cant she see that i am genuinely sorry, and would give anything to change how it all happened??

that i may possibly be in love??

when i say love, i ofcourse mean, i met a boy who i like. i have learned that love and i do not mix and i just dont fall into such a thing.

its 2 am and i have a staff meeting at 8am. cool.

my night was kindof amazing, i ended up going out with a couple friends, and talked with a boy for a bit. it was nice..

in the end, i know i probably wont hang out w this person again, but it made me smile. and its been a long long long time since i felt that happy kind of feeling..

oh my god.

can you actually believe it? that chick that some people knew, with bad grammer and spelling, that just disappeared is back! the internet has gone to shit.

*ahem*

yeah it is true. after a, what lougan, like 2 year hiatus (i direct this towards you as I am sure you are the only human who will read this. lol), I am back.

I do want to say thank you lougan, I have no personal space at the present time and I have no where to vent that my coworkers or my “friends” wont read (with the exception of one friend..).

I am somewhat excited to talk to strangers. haha, that sounds trippy, but i am kind of hoping i can steal some of your readers from irb or on of your nine million other sites.

 since my disappearance from the net my life has been pretty much a repeat of what it was then.

i work shitty jobs. have some shitty friends. a few good ones. and im notoriously selfish.

im alright with it. to be honest.

alright, run down of my current life and then i can use this mofo as a journal blog whatever the fuck you wanna call it. lol

- was fired from wireless centre when my bosses girlfriend thought we were having an affair (please note: boss was a weasel who still makes me sick to think of in bed… ew)

- moved home to london

- drank a lot.

- gained a lot.

- got a job working for telus mobility corporate

- moved to kingston

- moved around kingston

- stopped drinking

- started exercising

- lost weight

- began training for F.A.M.E (look it up yourself)

 

so thats it.

my life is lame. i wake up everyday and goto the gym. i then goto work. during teh day i eat. then i leave work and usually go back to the gym. its pretty lame.

i am actually really excited that summer is here as i have made it a personal goal to have more fun and take myself and my training a little less serious. we will see thought.

 

i thought i would include a before and after shot. please understand that i lost everything in a very tragic poop/water incident involving my computer and have very few pictures. so enjoy what i could find.