Seduce Me

im miserable.

how are you?

 I whole heartedly believe that nothing good happens after 2am.

That is when you should pack up your shit and head home and just call it a night. Or in my case, you should have been asleep hours upon hours ago.

I am suffering this cold that wont go away. I have been trying everything I can thats free or cheap since i have no money. Sauna at the gym. Highjacking green tea from my housemate. its just not doing shit. I feel exhausted but cannot sleep.

Besides that I am turbo girl hormonal right now. I have a surefire way to tell when I am hormonal, more so than normal. I start thinking about the people (aka the person) i have wronged and I wonder what she is doing and how she is. It lasts roughly a week, and it then turns back into complete and utter rage.

Right now its at the sadness/mourning/missing stage. I really need to find something else to be sad about when my iron levels or whatever it is get all screwy. At least I dont want to goto her house or send her an email.. cause fighting those urges were always hard.

 

Anyways, I pretty much want to call her. Or go shopping. Or go tanning. Or take some nyquil. Or goto Costa Rica. or just not exist. Worst feeling on the planet.

Well alas, I really have nothing constructive to say, so i leave you with some photos.

[edit]i would have added photos but wordpress is being a pain in the ass and wont let me.[/edit]

[[edit]] figured it out[[/edit]]

 

my roommate lent me the cash for this bikini when we found it at an outlet store. $15!

  

I was bored. so waited outside in the sunshine for my housemate.

 

i cant help but miss her. and think she is pretty much the most beautiful girl i have ever met.

OH wow.

I havent posted in a while because I have been in a semi state of suicidal..not even kidding. I dont know if it is from the consistent pain i am in, or if it is because i have no money, or if it is because i miss my best friend so much.. but today was like the icing on the cake and i almost committed myself. no joke.

the only thing that has stopped me from doing this is that i am having this stupid party at my b&j friends *does not stand for blow job* house on saturday night.. my friends are really trying to cheer me up and got me a cake and everything.

anyways, a few of my friends/coworkers have pretty much done everything, and all i have to do is show up.. i am moderately concerned that no one else will go. i dont have many friends.

i am mailing my passport application out probably on monday and praying it doesnt get lost or denied. praying.

 

in other news. for the first time in a long time, im thinking about sex.

 

figure that out? earlier today i wanted to shoot myself in the face.. now i want to have sex. i think there is a problem in my brain that i really do require these prescribed meds for.

fuck my life.

yet stressed out.

here is what has gone wrong in the last few days for me.

 

- my wisdom teeth hurt to the point i have almost thrown up a couple times

- my car is making the most fucked up noise ever. period.

- i am broke.

 

in the past few days, here is what has gone right.

- i got my passport signed by my friend in ottawa!!!!!

- i found the perfect costume for my UNBIRTHDAY PARTY (see below) ((i cannot afford it.. but i put it on hold anyways in hopes i will magically come up with the $79.99 it costs.. ha))

- i picked up some extra shifts at work and will therefor get a slightly larger pay cheque in 2 weeks..

 

anyways, i am trying to be positive and happy. things are shitty, but they could def. be worse.

i really am hungry, and now need to go make lunch.

It is monday night. I worked today. First time I have really done much of anything in the last couple days.

I have been in a down and out kind of mood and have sort of been moping about. I guess i just feel sorry for myself in general lately. I have been trying to be in a better mood but alas, the sound of my roommate and her friends is pissing me off like you wouldnt believe and i want to scream at them to shut up and go home.. its one am.

right now i miss training. I havent been able to train really in a few days. when i say i am ghetto fabulous i mean it in the worst way.

my friends are currently at something called beach slam. i attempted to join them. it was cut very short by my inability to stay standing for a prolonged period of time. i did however stay long enough to win a tshirt. go me.

 

anyways, i am in general really lonely. i miss my best friend. he is so effing far away from me. and iit seems i will never get my passport to go see him.

every other close friend i have made, being all of one, hates me, and wants me to die.

 

its a loose loose. one is 9 million miles away, the other is about 5 miles away, and would shoot on sight.

on the plus side, i lost 2 more lbs. yes.

woke up after a nightmare drenched in sweat and crying uncontrollably?

 

thats me right now.

 

also, i am flat broke as a joke. like not a dime.

and let me tell you, i would do just about anything for $20.. think about it.

lol

a little strange the last couple days to say the least.
i feel like my friends are all walking on egg shells around me due to the recent drama that has gone on. it is pretty shitty as it really doesnt involve them and i dnt think they need to feel like they need to baby me.
one friend does need to watch her step for sure. it takes a lot for me to consider dropping someone as a friend and said person is on the edge of getting a big old fack off.
i know that based on my past actions you wouldnt know it, but to me a friend is someone who tells you the truth, even if it hurts..

note: in ONE situation i am being a major hypocrite. ONE, so if youre thinking that i mistreated another person in my life, you as well can fack off. /end note

anyways, this girl has been hiding things from me that she knew would hurt me and i am borderline furious about it. i kind of ended up snapping a bit and peacing on her today. you just dont do that to your girls. period.

in other news, back to the egg shells comments.

my friend/coworker thought that he would cheer me up based on his recent tax return (i should add that i owe the government money that i am avoiding paying). i ended up getting treated to a pretty awesome day.
we went shopping downtown. didnt buy anything.. just kind of browsed.. then we went to the mall where i got some new shoes (athletes world was going out of business) so i got some sick mens high top phat farm shoes for $30. thanks to my friend/coworker.
then he bought me a protein shake and we retreated to my place to watch ninja turtles II. yes.

aha, my plan to get my passport has failed again.
not only can i not afford it. but the place isnt open on saturdays. i was going to go thursday before work but, we cme back to the pay situation.

as is the story of my life i cannot afford to live, eat, or drive. which all comes back to live.

no wonder im 136 lbs. i dont consume food.

great.

 

edit/ also, this happened at some point.

what i am feeling right now..

about many/a couple people in my life..

Seek me, call me
I’ll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I’ll be waiting
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I’ll be waiting
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I’ll be waiting
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Yesterday I went to get my friend Lacey to hang out. I happened to be at the apartment at the same time a certain girl i used to be friends with was there picking her daughter up from her ex fiance/laceys roommate/the boy i was seeing but not seeing for a while.

this = chaos.

anyways, i guess they were fighting before i came to get lacey and i was just a bit of a catalyst and i also was apparently a good object to vent some rage at because teh two of them proceeded to (in front of their 3 year old daughter) scream and swear and tear me apart in the street.

it was aweful. it was all i could do not to break down and cry.. i just stood there.. in awe.. asking them to lower their voices so that their daughter wouldnt hear them yell and swear..

see how that works? i care enough about that child to protect her from that rage and immaturity. anyways, i think to me the worst part was that i spent some time yesterday before all this happened working on a letter for her explaining what happened and why i lied and why i deceived her.

i cant give it to her now.. which sucks as the whole thing took me a couple hours and i put a lot of thought and emotion into it..

i kind of lost my mind after everytihng went down. i didnt know what to do or how to handle all of it.
i still dont know what to do.

anyways, i spent this afternoon with one of my coworkers/friends and he took me for lunch at a place her called aunt lucys.. i think i might potentially have a heart attack from the grease level. i rarely eat, let alone eat a meal that contains that much fat.
we then sat around and decided that i deserve a second birthday party for all the shit that has gone on so we are throwing me “a very merry unbirthday” party.

yup.

ok i am going to relax. i have had way too much shit happen in 24 hours. i am waiting for the rest.